Because Of Love - Chapter 10

The stalemate is melting. Shit, I wish it would melt faster. Hmmm, or do I? Cause perhaps if it did, I wouldn’t have such an intimate relationship with my own reflection - getting to remember the child I once was and certainly at times, still am. I have a better target now for my own ‘Jamie version’ of unabashed happiness anyway. Who doesn’t want that!?

Plus, I kinda like taking the time to really observe myself ebb & flow between the woman I’ve become & my inner innocence. I revel in feeling all the parts of me, traumatically broken apart by destructive storms & mini human disasters, re-entwine themselves into one cohesive expression - Jamie Lynn Sullivan (that’s ME. What’s your name?). Perhaps if I sped through the challenging experiences of life I wouldn’t be such a master navigator of our human emotional experience. Maybe I wouldn’t be able to see everything I can see when I look into you. Gosh, you’re amazing. Anyways, I LOVE my purpose, and cultivating more mastery in my passion stirs my soul in that yummy fall-leaves-blowing-in-the-wind kinda way.

Why wouldn’t we keep on keeping on anyway? Being present to our process… giving time a chance to work for us, ya know? Time has gotta be good for something other than stress & pressure right?! Why not let time support a vibrant relationship to all our inner children were destined to be before all the confusion and heartache set in. Someone’s gotta mind that dream, that decadently daring Sparkle of all that you & I can be. Any takers?

What do they say, “time will tell”….. what story will time tell of you? Take charge and participate in your story or else you may not like what time does with you while you waste your life-energy trying to defy it. I got bashed around real good by time but, at least I knew I was in the game. At least I’m still playing. A shattered heart, shock and broken dreams will not get the best of me (but fucked if I’m not totally terrified, bawling unabashedly into my pillow sometimes - like a little girl who dropped her ice cream cone and was told she would never have another - not ever!!!). Chill me to the bones with cold empty eery darkness & kill me now! Oh my dramatic imagination, I know - I’m wonderful aren’t I;). Anyways, My heart, My soul, My dream, MY LIFE.

So really we’re talking ‘bout patterns here… what does a heart, a soul, and dreams all have in common? Love. They all need access to love in order to unite and thrive. Where does time come in then? Love needs time. We use time to remember LOVE. Wondering what love story time will tell of you??? Well Bright Light, that depends on what you do with your Sparkle in the time you have. I’m inadequately prepared to tell you what to prioritize with the time you have but, I can at least let you into my love story (this story) as I unravel it. I hope you get some clues from this honest brilliant beautiful mess I currently find myself warring to understand.

Disclaimer: This chapter of “The Surrender Story, When Heaven & Earth Collide” is a bit of a wandering river so let loose and take me in. It’s about love. LOVE is a BIG topic. This chapter's a mendering stream of truth & juxtapositions and the scope of how this topic effects our lives is vast. Stay with me and relax, we’ve got some vast ground to cover so this may get a bit messy. Ha, it will. It will be messy. This chapter is about love, and light & dark and choices. It will be messy. In all likelihood, a big fat tangled mess. So I invite you, like a couple kids in muddy gumboots traversing the unknown, explore with me. Share in my wild curiosity. Who knows what we’ll discover? In my most humble & vulnerable of voices - would you please BE messy with me?

…and all the feelings are flying around in my heart… Inside voice: “let it out & write girl!”

First I’ll complete my initial train of thought on how I think I’ve come to thawing my stalemate and how I’m confident, you can too. It begins, I‘m quite sure, with our mysterious, mystical, all-encompassing Glow (the sparkle I mentioned but a moment ago). Be warned, I said this could get messy and I’m the first to admit this process of thawing my stalemate has been wrought with fear, shame, desire, ecstasy, liberation, the sweetest of sweet moments I yearn to hold onto forever, grief, massive effort & a ferocious hunger to claim, become & celebrate my Self. In other words,  it’s the muddy springtime of self-love. My stalemate has been broken down by my insatiable desire to forge a new way for not only myself but for humankind. What?! Hey, goals are good, back off with your judgements.

So now we have our first thing to investigate on the topic of Love. Our Glow.

I think it’s safe, albeit sad to say, most of us aren’t getting that perfect glow of ours held or minded by anyone else out there. Even our young who desperately NEED us to nurture and protect their light are getting glossed over by grown-ups with unmet needs whom, because of shame, pity parties or abuse, (and the list goes on) have diligently locked their innermost glow up somewhere far, far away. Without fostering their own glow, authority figures won’t acknowledge yours, let alone foster it, and asking for that to happen now might as well be put on a wish list for Santa Claus & mailed to never-never land. That means now that you’re a grown-up, the job is yours.

Keep following, we got this. I’m like most probably pretty sure!

One way to foster and understand our perfect light would be to mirror & reflect each other's sparkle. (Men, I’m writing for you too - you too have sparkle & the capacity to reflect sparkle. Period.) This is a way we can begin to understand love; through one another. Unfortunately, most of us are too busy covering up our insecurities by trying to control how others see & perceive us, let alone linger long enough in another’s eyes to see the beauty of the person before us. If you’re lucky, the universe has united you from time to time with another human and cleverly tricked you both into “a special moment”  - and you surrendered to it. Perhaps it was accidental and suddenly you found yourself staring openly into the soul of a human before you, as they too stared back into the depths of you. It’s intensely beautiful and worth EVERYTHING.

Perhaps, if you’re like Mr.Brady & I, when you look at someone you look to “see” that someone. When we engage with another, Mr.Brady and I look deeply into whom we are speaking with purpose, willingness and love in order to really discover who is there. It’s not common. Why? Could it be that being seen for all our decadent perfection, light & dark, is too much to handle? Even I get a shock if someone I’m not expecting to see me looks straight into me. A chill runs down my spine and I recognize all of a sudden I’m naked and nothing I do will hide any part of me. I yearn for that. We all do (whether you know it or not).

Hey, if we’re gonna figure out this love thing we’re gonna feel bare (and goose-pimply) sometimes. Even I get scared and intimidated by being seen. In my clinic where sacred healing space is a given, I’m unquestionably a master made of strength, confidence & a fierce determination to love with ethereal perfection. Outside of that, I’m just a girl with a big heart and sensitive soul trying to do the best with my life.

The topic of feeling bare brings us pretty quickly to the topic of “appropriateness” (a word that smothers love … hey, who defines what’s “appropriate” anyways?!). I learned early on to manage who and how much I see in someone so they don’t feel intimidated or exposed. Outside of my office, I legitimately hate the feeling of someone else's discomfort when I “see” them. As soon as my amygdala (remember the fight/flight freeze receptors in our brain?) alerts me that I may be rejected because I “saw more than they wanted me too”, I wanna puke and apologize for my ‘ungodly’ intrusion! Then I want to put on my boxing gloves & fight (hello pride!).

Alas, (and this I write with Unwavering Passionate Confidence), when we finally fucking drop our opinions, judgements, preferences and concerns, when we finally fucking STOP trying to control everything and really truly see the person in front of us, it’s the most beautiful thing we’ll ever experience. Do it. I promise it’ll move you. What is deemed appropriate or inappropriate can fall away leaving only lightness, breath, space & time in its wake. This is but a glimpse of true love.

We do it with babies and dogs all the time. They let you in. They haven’t learned yet not to. A baby can’t hurt you - so you let them in too. An infant or an animal doesn’t think I shouldn’t, or I can’t, or, what will this mean?! They just open. Carry this into your life. “See” the person at your gym, or your boss, or your friend or parent. “See” the young innocent child in the grown man or woman before you. I promise it'll fill your holes.

Be warned though, for many a human get frightened by such beauty & will, I deeply regret to say, vanish the moment things get too perfectly intense. Sadly enough too, the abandonment, the disappearance of all that you shared with that person can happen in a heartbeat. I’ve seen and heard of this over & over & over in my practice and in my friends’ lives. With flecks of shame almost as old as I, I strive to admit, I too have been the one left standing alone in what I thought was a relationship I could trust and rely on. I opened, I trusted, I showed all of me. I opened to the possibility that we can love all in. Then there I was, with my open radiating heart in the proverbial rain - alone. It hurts my feminine heart more than anything else. Thank goodness for the multitude of amazing people I have in my life who, in times of loss and confusion, remind me to put my face up to the rain and stay open anyways.

Let’s call this “The Disappearing Houdini-Heart Act”. I wonder, is this illusion in your repertoire of social performance?  Does your heart suddenly vanish into a plume of smoke when you get touched so deep it scares you? If so Bright Sparkle, slow down. Investigate what it is you’re actually trying to hide. Make new rules for love & happiness. Just try Dear One.

Well anyhow, as I said, in a beautiful chaotic kinda way this is what this chapter’s about. Love. Love and, whether we like it or not, all the things that come with it. Unravelling this subject is what my life’s been entrenched in for the last 6 months (or like compulsively…since I was born). I’ve been working my ass off to understand this next chapter of “The Surrender Story” (my life). I know, I know, it’s messy. Stay. Read on anyway. I’m inviting you in Starlight. Get close to me, I dare you.

. . . so, willing to indulge my intensely corny heart and ferociously determined spirit? Great. Let me put some truth on the proverbial table before us then.

Most of you are posturing, pretending & polishing yourselves way too much to pick up on all the things that can heal your heart, grow your sparkle and make way for big love & epic happiness. You’re ALL (yes I’m exaggerating, so what!?) so flippin’ self-consumed and determined to keep your life as stable as possible that you’re snuffing all the magic out! Hey, I never claimed to be all feel-good. Truth fucking sucks sometimes right?! Wrong. It’s not the truth that sucks. Truth is simply truth. LEARN TO LOVE IT & WATCH YOUR LIFE TRANSFORM.

What sucks, is the fear. With me still? Good. It’s actually not even fear that sucks, it’s LOVE.  (Whoa. What did I just say? Stay with me.)

Guess what, being willing to feel all your feelings is liberating, so get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable once in a while. When you avoid fear, when you avoid awkwardness you unknowingly jilt yourself on Love. It is NOT always easy, it’s not limited to heart emojis … love comes with a gamut of all your feelings. Make compost and fucking grow! Wrestle if you have to! If we all do it TOGETHER we might even, we WILL, discover some genuinely divine fucking joy living in the darkness. Yes. I am wildly passionate about this all-encompassing subject of Love. So what?

Whether I like it or not this is currently my life. This is currently what I’m wrestling with. Five years that feel like a skipping rock bouncing over the waters of my life, after my sacred goodbye to my wee babe, my dreams to mother, and my utter decomposition - this is where I’m at in my healing, unravelling, becoming, “sacred-because-it’s-mine” journey. Because this story is mine, I love it. I’ll care for it, polish it and sculpt it. Because it’s mine. Mine to add sparkle & flare to. Mine. What have you done with your story so far? Any sculpting happening? Any colours added, doors closed, ceilings broken open?

Don’t like this chapter? You won’t like the rest of this then so stop reading.

You willing to be a champ? Good. Follow along, I’m moving in fast waters and it’s muddy so I gotta stay lit.

Come closer, Dew Drop. I see it like this, (at this point in my life anyway - ask me in two years, who knows) we gotta believe and hold faith through the traumas and disappointment, we have to learn our own ebb and flow to keep the waters of our souls clean. To experience bliss, connection & liberation we must hold faith that who you are is a divine fucking beauty, that your life is a gift - no matter the pickle you find yourself in - remember what you are: a worthwhile marvel.

That’s my opinion at least. Take it or leave it, the choice is yours. You can keep the door closed & ignore what love (your glow) asks of you, or open the door then forget about it. Easy. Just walk away. Pretend you never desperately wanted it open in the first place. The choice is yours to let your precious light dwindle to a mere speck that you hide away, or YOU make the choice to listen to your soul. You make the choice to actively participate in the sacred, delicious, magnetic, terrifying mess on the other side of that threshold.

Unless of course, you’re one who’s in sheer resistance to the intensity and uncertainty of love. Scary stuff. In this Choose-your-own-adventure, here’s your option: you can purposely and with an epic will crush your inner compass, and head instead on a life-path that doesn’t intrigue you, never scares you, won’t madly deeply stir you, and will certainly not confront you.

Disclaimer #2: This madly deeply delicious intense and scary path of listening AND following is sometimes full of loss.

The messy brilliant love and the loss - I want all of it! And I’ve had all of it. By choice? Maybe not. But it happened. A death, a brief living dream in parenthood, a life full of adventure and love stories, and choosing to surrender to who and what I am, even in the face of rejection, has made me raw and real in a way I’m not trading for anything. It’s how I know & remain connected to love. It’s my only fucking sanity in a world so utterly full of nonsense.

To me, love is everything. Listen, I do NOT enjoy suffering. I hate it. Suffering chews me up & spits me out. Even just lately in my desire to understand, trust and surrender even deeper to my guts I’ve been chewed up and spit out. It HURTS. I spend my time, my energy, my resources just to stay open and heal through it. But here’s the thing, now and again we’re going to find ourselves in the mud anyway, so what’s a bit of time getting a mud bath? It’s this work and a commitment to healing that will liberate our hearts from their protective mechanisms. I want to know freedom. I want to know ME, unencumbered & uninhibited. And since I know you’re loving my honesty, you, like the rest of us, are a little fucked up anyway, so what’s to lose? Leap. Burn your fire blanket in the sun and come with me on this journey of beautiful, messy, intensely intimate real-life love.

What I’m saying is, it’s too late. You are already dirty and wrinkled and torn apart by life. And you’re amazing!!! So embrace it and let’s play… together.

See, you’ve already been slathered with intensity & thrown into an abyss - it’s called being alive. For me, choosing Love is about Truth and Pleasure and Real Wild Things. It’s about teasing myself in the sweetest of sweet ways to surrender. Passionate Purposeful Fierce Surrender is what it could look like for me to be MY Everything. Whether it be injuries from centuries of pain or just not getting my perfect little family like I wanted, I surrender to fulfilling my purpose regardless of what I go through. This act of Passionate Purposeful Fierce Surrender is streaming God. This to me is God. I want God! Don’t you? I don’t want to do this alone. Come. Please.

Oy you, we both know, somewhere along the line you’ve already been deeply hurt. Chances are you already know suffering and loss. If my decade-plus as a Clinical Hypnotherapist has taught me anything, it’s that the deepest loss, suffering and hurt probably took root a very long time ago. I’m sorry. I’m sorry if you're scared. I am too. Don’t let that stop you.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry you were too young to protect yourself. I’m sorry you were ill-equipped to mend your own owies and soothe your soul. I’m sorry not all the grown-ups around you had what it took to reflect your unique greatness, and compassionately build your resilience. I’m sorry that some of those who were supposed to care for you and stand for you hurt you, and those that were supposed to pave the way for you abandoned you. I’m also deeply sorry you likely didn’t learn how and when, or who and what to trust. I know what it’s like.

What I also know both personally and professionally, is that we are mystical beings with powers as mysterious as all the galaxies beyond our reach. We’re more dynamic, complex and capable than we realize. We’re even more capable than I realize, truth be told.

“Deep Breath passionate girl. Keep learning Jamie” … I say as the enormity of this topic stares down at me with ominous eyes.

My dear precious Starlight, if you choose to listen to the voice of your spirit (or god, the universe, your heart, whatever) you’ll have multiple head-on collisions with pain from your past. You may not know they are from your past. You might think the origin of these collisions lies with the current boyfriend or girlfriend you have, or with your boss or your luck. Follow the stalk of the peppermint plant under the soil, however, and you’ll discover how far beneath the surface those roots crawl. Honestly, my best advice about Love is this: be willing to get messy. It’s OK. You already have anyways and if you think you’re all clean and you’re ducks are all in a row, that’s only what it looks like on the outside. Inside are quite probably wounds, not yet healed, seeping and slowly poisoning childhood dreams and grown-up desires. A happy life is great. Living the whole dream of you & nothing but, is everything. So get messy:). Forget about keeping a tidy exterior, get inside, live and mend and heal and reclaim your birthright to live in ecstasy. Do it for Love. Believe.

Mmmm … “Believe”. That word just does something to my soul. Like warm melted chocolate teasing me with it’s aroma and touching my lips, the word “believe” taunts me in a way I never want to stop! . . . Until of course I get rejected or embarrassed. Then I want to hide in shame and eat two pints of frozen fudge ice cream.

You too? Stick your face in your pillow and cover yourself up so the world can’t see you. Cry and kick and wail a mournful wail. Lose hope and give up. Do it. Yes! And mean it …for 15 minutes. Then get the fuck up!

I know fear. I know suffering. I know shame, embarrassment, confusion, loss, grief, defeat, terror, rage & HOPE. I lost my baby, my fertility, my entire fucking identity went down the toilet that day I woke in the hospital hearing the doctor say, “no babies for you”. I lost the only version of my dreams I knew and I GOT UP, for Love’s sake. I got up for my unborn baby - to still be the parent, the example, the leader who fights for love & goodness & faith. For Love, you can too.

I know losing my baby had so much to do with how scared I was to be truly in bliss. For so many reasons, (some of which I now understand, some I don’t, and some I may never) I had felt the need to apologize for my inner tranquillity and my joyful effervescent demeanour. I had felt I had to keep my light low - the light I loved and longed (did I say long?) to share with the world, dimmed and hidden so as not to offend anyone. I had felt that either I wasn’t good enough to have it all or I was too good for it. I had no way to win. Losing my only baby alongside with my fertility brought up feelings & beliefs from so deep down, I couldn't have guessed they were even in me. And it hurt so so badly.

Part of the reason I lost my baby was that I thought the world would punish me, and my babe for being what we are - Love. It’s ok if you don’t understand what I’m writing. Your heart does - that’s enough.

Let’s entertain something.

What if, in the wake of my pain, I stopped striving for what I wanted? What if I began ignoring the voice of my intuition and snuffed out the fire of my soul? What if I accepted that my tragic loss, that cold January day of complete defeat, meant that I was done for good, that all of my happiness, the infinite magical moments I’d shared with creatures both furry and human, all of the amazing adventures I’d had before that day - was all for naught? What if I let every creature that had a place in inspiring me, teaching me, or helping me believe, die out of my memory? Would that have affected my family, my lover, my friends? Would it have affected the moons & moons of clients I’d previously and since served with my belief and love and hope? Would it affect every child and animal I look in the eyes to mirror love and trust and faith? What if I gave up on you just because I broke?

I could have, like many humans have, folded, thrown in the towel and gave up on my light, my capacity to love and be loved, to inspire and be inspired.

In that case, I certainly wouldn’t be writing this right now. Even still, sharing my soul with you, with strangers, makes my belly shiver and my typing fingers hesitate.

Fear is a symptom of love - that is all.

It occurs to me the option exists to stop typing … to stop sharing.

I know myself though and know what will matter to me on my deathbed. If I had given up, when death breathes its sultry dark breath on my neck I’d wish I’d given, expressed and shared more of my heart. I’d notice, like I did five years ago, that there was still so much more to sculpt with my life. I would never have committed to growing a company that can help heal the world. If I chose not to do this work, in the mud, following roots, getting messy I’d be a small, broken shadow of my brilliant innately perfect self. I can’t choose that. I won’t.

You think it matters every time someone gives up? It does. I guarantee it does. Do you think it’s actually possible to change the world with love? I do. Really, in the most pragmatic of ways, I do.

Please stay true to your heart. If you think it’s too late, you’ve already left your glow a long time ago - if you abandoned yourself, then please start finding your way HOME. Time is on your side. I know this because you’re here, right now, with me.

Of course, if you choose to listen to your spirit you’ll also inevitably have to continue making brave choices and facing fears for as long as both you & your mind shall live. I did NOT want to even consider having a life with no children. I did NOT want to consider that perhaps just maybe, I was destined for something bigger than my plan, that would require all of me. I did NOT want to consider that perhaps, just maybe, I would have thousands of kiddos who would need ALL of my heart & soul. I didn’t want to consider these things because it made me feel like I wasn’t good enough to have what I longed for. It made me feel unworthy and unimportant - that all I was good for was helping others but not entitled to my own sense of happiness. That my sparkle was for everyone else, but not me. I didn’t want to consider the options before me because, to be honest, I didn’t know how I could bear actually opening my whole soul to the world.

That idea is fucking terrifying! I just recently opened my soul to another, and in our learning, it went sideways. That heartache really affected me. That was the pain just one rejection caused …. Now times that by the whole world??!!

Opening myself EVEN MORE than I already have means more possibility for hurt, rejection, loss and intense, body shaking, tear-jerking emotion. I already feel sooooooooooooooooooooo much. I have a feeling you do too Bright Star. I think, “how can we trust life enough to open our chests to a world so confusing, lost, and full of destruction? How can we trust when so many people choose fear over love. When others choose to destroy and reject rather than fight for and protect love.”

That’s when I remember what I’ve lived through. That’s when I remember the bathroom floor and my baby and the kiss of death on my pregnant belly. That’s when I remember my husband’s strength and unwavering belief in me. How I noticed that moon still shone! That my body still moved to killer music! That I still melted at the sound that puppies make. When it all feels too scary, I remember every act of kindness I’ve ever seen or have been on the receiving end of. I remember sexy, sassy, soothing, scrumptious, soul-shaking Love. These have been enough for me. What makes you choose love?

Feel me, friend?

Choose to listen to your soul and you’ll be immediately asked to open with courage to the next part of the dream that is You. Look at this option honestly enough and you know what’s next. Action! Act on what you hear whispered in your soul and work your sparkle. Make it larger and brighter than it’s ever been. Be the bold and gentle moon over the water on a clear starry night. Shine. Eventually, with time, your sparkle will shine enough to make even the darkest and most uncertain chapters of your life soft to the touch. Make time your ally. Be patient with yourself.

Say yes to the actions asked of you & you’ll need these three relics:

  • The bravery to act in the face of judgement (including your own)
  • The trust to surrender to what you don’t yet understand
  • The wildly deeply embodied spiritual urge to keep your instincts intact

 

This I see as the journey back to our real selves, a self that no one owns but you. A Self that whole-heartedly understands what you want and need and why. That is capable of BIG LOVE & BROAD boundaries. That can burn our fire blankets of protection in the sun and open to the majesty of the mystery. The reward is big. It’s life. Not just breathing and tasting and fucking but real magical see-the-universe-in-the-eyes-of-everything-AND-YOUR-SELF aliveness!

That’s the best reason I have to choose to listen. Because one day this choice will dissolve with your body. One day this choice will dissolve with my body. That’s why I choose to be brave and walk forward when I’d rather run … fast … and never look back … Because of Love. Because of love I force & flex every emotional muscle I have to stop, to breath, to stare into the eyes of mystery. To let it in even though I’ve been hurt and let down. 

Because I want love.

Because of Love Mr Brady and I have maintained an autonomous, connected, brave (at times completely confusing and infuriating) partnership. Side by side for ten years. Through relationship chaos, epic-ass wins, traumatic heartbreaking losses, and our own independent becoming, we’ve managed to want each other still. Because of Trust, and courage and the wildly, deeply embodied, spiritual urge to keep our instincts intact - even as we dissolve into possibilities of the universe, never knowing if we’ll come through the same, we share a grand and rare Love.

Real wild holy Love is why relationships can be so hard. We don’t like change. Love is fluid and untameable, has its own rules and, if liberated, WILL change those you care about and rely on.

When Mr.Lover & I first agreed to move in together, at the ages of 26 & 30, we made the decision with one essential caveat: we each expect the other to change. That means he has the full and complete freedom to become the ‘He’ that he is destined for, regardless of my fears and attachment to what I want from him. And vice versa, as I transform into the ‘She’ of my destiny. Along the way, we always offer the same freedom, understanding and compassion for each other. This is how we’ve survived. This is how we thrive as human beings in our partnership.

Ten years with Mr Brady feels like a lifetime. So much has transpired. We’ve grown and challenged and broke and stirred each other. We lifted and carried each other and walked forward anyway even when one of us was hurting, too slow, too scared, and too stubborn to pave our own way. We’ve danced passion into being, given life to one precious child, said our goodbyes to OUR one precious child. We’ve held each other to our greatest vision and also let each other crumble - giving each other the necessary gift of trust, wrapped in velvet commitment and tied with a bow made from love. As I reflect back on our ten years together I see one common theme with respect to love - choice. You have a choice. Love will test you. Trust that.

Have I said love is a verb?

Your actions matter, my actions matter.

From time immemorial, we as a people have had access to magic, and much of the world has forgotten that magic is everything when it comes to matters of the heart. In these moments as the world goes round and fears claw at our scars we must remember our unique and special gifts matter. Matter can be manipulated. Use that. Sculpt.

Let’s explore down this wandering river a bit more and ponder the opposite of love - could we agree on fear maybe? I’ve planted a few seeds already about fear so let's look closer, Dew Drop.

It’s been said that fear can grip you. I say it’s love. It’s been said fear is the greatest impediment to our dreams coming true. I say it’s love. Love is fucking intense man. As a Clinical Hypnotherapist, there is an all too common moment where I’m crouching down close beside a client, hands on their body, slowing my breathing down, expanding my mind, letting their bodies feel the stability and quiet of my spirit because … love has hit them in the heart like a fast-moving Mac truck. And they are petrified.

Love landed them in a terror deeper than fear ever could. In those moments I reassure them that the tsunami of love they are feeling is okay, that something has opened that possibly should’ve never been closed in the first place. I watch as they manage their panic, forcing down what I can only guess is brutal discomfort (since I’ve never felt that way - full on lie).

“Let the flood come,” I say. “Be bigger than it” I say. “Breath. Move like you’re the ocean”, “it’s ok, let it come”, “you’re with me, it’ll be ok” I say …until… a softness and a calm wash over them indicating a long needed surrender to Love has taken place. Their nervous system settles and they finally open their eyes and see it’s safe. It’s safe to feel. It’s safe to feel! It’s safe to feel their cosmic capacity to love. Listening Bright Light? Real, full, whole, all-inclusive, unfiltered Love.

It reminds me too that my own humanity, fragility, and vastness is also okay. All symptoms of Love.

You could say these moments of surrender, each time letting go a bit more, are magic, or god, or science. I say, who cares?! As long as it makes us happier, healthier and superbly fulfilled in the long run it doesn’t matter what you call it. These moments of surrender lead us toward more respect and more kindness towards each other and the creatures we share this Earth with. And each time, we are bestowed with more courage to be our true and perfect selves.

I watch over my clients, the little inner children before me in grown-up bodies, ’til I see and hear their breathing settle into a deep, sensual, rhythmic ease, excitedly rooting them into their own body even more. Then, in a breath, everything settles and comes together and suddenly they feel more intact, peaceful, & real than before. The gift keeps on giving.

I’ve been honoured to guide and watch over this nervous and exhilarating upheaval of fear transforming into Love. I think of it as a becoming of all that you’re destined to be. It’s a dance of pure beauty and it moves me. The results of this dance are not unlike this story. My Story. My intimate all-too-real experience of Heaven & Earth colliding.

I can still feel her with me, the 35-year-old woman struggling quietly on that bathroom floor clutching to her unborn baby, ignoring death who was begging her to open her eyes and stop fighting it. That was me, alone, while my husband lay asleep in the bedroom. I fought against letting death do its job; to take my wee one who my lover and I waited three patient years for.

Death was telling me, “Trust beyond what you think you know. Erase the words of your future. Right now is what is real”. I am a great fighter (mostly just really stubborn and savagely determined), so I fought death. I fought hard and long. But death, I now know, is also love. Death is a flavour, one component let’s say, of love. Equally as full of potential and beauty as birth. Equally as full of uncertainty and mystery as life. Having found the courage (just barely) to open my eyes to death, to life, and to trust, not only literally saved my life but filled me with more passion and purpose. I had to trust death and recognized there the face of Love. Now I can allow the intensity of all emotion to seduce my body regardless of my strong-ass ego. When that happens I feel God. I want to share that. I want to trust and follow and surrender to what love asks of me, even when I’m shit scared.

I wonder what your relationship to love is, my far away stranger-friend.

If you haven’t yet figured out that love, death and fear are all intricately related to how you feel and behave, to what you get and don’t get - let me part the curtain for you. What you’re living this very moment, how you’re feeling these days, what you’re longing for is all in all ways related to your relationship to love, fear & death. The door is yours: open or closed?

Hey, I realize my writing can be a bit intense. I realize I’m a bit intense. Don’t get me wrong. Do yourself a favour here, and free yourself right now by refraining from labelling me anything grand, or anything lesser than. Whether you embrace me as I am or not makes no difference to the choices I will make for my life and my light. I hope you too have the same commitment to yourself and your light. I hope you too consider expressing a commitment to love - to your sacred, sweet self.

See, I’m the same as you - whether you like it or not. Whether I like it or not, I’m the same as you. I’ve been handed the same challenge as you. To live out everything I have with as much colour as I can - to manifest myself fully. This is Love.

Let’s be real. Like many of you, I like hiding the real me. The real me is weird. She’s magical and awkward, deeply passionate and deeply sensual. The real me is a sweet little girl and a wild untameable boy. The real me wears both inviting dark velvets, and spikes to show I’m divine and scared. The real me loves unabashedly and expresses fluidly. I like hiding her away.

I like to pretend no one can see the real me and therefore no one can judge whether I’m adequate enough or acceptable enough or that I’m too corny, too naive, too confident or too passionate.

But here I am, airing all my Love and fear and truth. With change and growth and weeds and seeds and yet, I actually do NOT think I can handle another loss like I endured. I don’t. Honestly. So, keeping a metaphorical fire blanket close by to keep me from feeling any of those feelings of inadequacy or “too muchness” is a VERY tempting option. Finding clever sneaky ways to AVOID (yes I said avoid) getting everything I want, to avoid becoming all that I am, is an illogically desirable option. It’s an option most of you are choosing without even knowing it.

However, listen, seriously - LISTEN.

I resist that urge to stay hidden, to stay “safe”. I resist the urge to hide. Why? Why should you? Cause love isn’t won by playing safe, nor is it grown by hiding. It’s not won by squishing it into boxes of bullshit social rules and religious dogma. And certainly not by denying our very nature - that which is pure, and WILD and wise. We cannot change the world while avoiding fear. We’ll struggle to heal our nations without embracing real, raw, brave, breathe-big and get-ready Love. Are you ready?

Besides, what most of us think is “safe” is a grand illusion firmly set in place with cold concrete we then decorate with flowers to hide the fact that it’s lifeless. It’s nothing more than protective mechanisms we stubbornly hold in place in order to avoid the majesty of our very nature. That’s a whole other magnificent book though.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s a tonne of joy, sweetness & juice that comes along with the illusion of being safe. It’s not bad. I like feeling secure and playing with ducks in rows. This is an aspect of life that can be fun for me. All I’m saying is there’s more. So very very much more. And before I die, I want more. I’ve seen into the hearts and souls and dusty covered dark caverns of so very many people over the last decade - I’m pretty sure you want more too, Starlight.

Now, let’s get freaky sexy stranger-friend. I’m gonna talk “real safe”. Real safe, is surrendering to the everything. Surrendering to the vast and liberating nothingness of the universe that ignites our electric beings into an ecstasy and peace that is so beautiful, you’ll never want to let go. When you taste real surrender, everything in you will want more.

That leads me to this question then - do we have to let go? I’m not sure of the answer Poppet. Although something in my heart says no. Something in my heart yells & screams “please no”. What I can say is that I’m quite sure (though writing this, I admit, comes from nothing I can rely on with certainty) that “real safe” is the pathway to real love.

The problem I see here is, it seems as though we need each other to experience this. Again a pointer to indicate why all kinds of relationships, and therefore love, can be so scary. This experience of absolute connection and surrender with others is, I suspect, the main pathway to knowing, understanding and normalizing real Love. It’s a big mystery to most of us since the intensity of which were capable of feeling has been hidden in philosophy books and ancient texts.

Where does real, or enlightened love belong?  Set gently and naturally in our hearts that beat blood through our life-rich rivers of course.

So what it appears I’m learning is, to experience real love, we need each other. Whew! Are you good at trusting others with your very soul? I. Am. Not.

At the risk of feeling rejected, worthless, used, or helplessly & infuriatingly frustrated, I take chances anyway. I work to learn who and what, when, where and how to trust.

That being said, be wary, if you let yourself get close to real, expansive, soul-soothing never-want-it-to-stop safe (what some call enlightenment), but at the same time you’re holding tightly onto the illusion of safety, you will get overwhelmed. You’ll get confused and freeze or retreat. In this case please remember, staying open and trusting, instead of retreating, is also an option.

Fight for Freedom. Be brave for love. This surrender to the proverbial galaxy of the spirit is surprisingly calming. It’s passionate and kind and soft and expansive and alive and peaceful and wild all at the same time. Sometimes, if you’re honest enough with yourself, you’ll hear your own soul cry out for people to come into your life that have the potential to leap with you. To hold your hand and jump into an abyss so full of beauty, pleasure and liberation your spiritual hearts will grow three sizes. That’s why you need to hold each other's hand. That’s why it’s scary - because you’ll need to rely on others. And if you’re trusting enough, be ready, they’ll come.

What have you done when those human gifts arrived like a babe from a stork in your life? Find those people. Fight for them. You’ll have to because Love will scare you both. Whoever you choose, whatever the relationship, Love will make you feel things you’ve always longed for but are masterfully programmed to avoid.

Brady, among many others, is one of those longer-term people in my life. Recently, as I’ve been unfolding my next set of wings and readying to leave the past five years behind, I took a chance at flight and collided like a liberated comet with another of those humans.

Once in a while, when you’re open, the person that gets delivered into your life will roll in unsuspectingly, with a secret mission not even they are aware of: to set fire to your rules and challenge everything “safe” you were determined to stubbornly hang onto. Of course, you’ll be doing the same thing to them. Neither of you will know it at first. This is the perfection of the universe, or god or science or magic or whatever. Even if you believe it’s all random, that randomness will still kick your ass with clever synchronicities.

Brady and the kind of gift the stork drops off whether you’re ready or not will stir your soul. Your soul will recognize the call - the call of real wild living. You’ll be magnetized, mesmerized, managing with any will you can muster to avoid these people. Until you can’t. I learned on that bathroom floor, as death kissed my body teasing at my will to control, that some things are out of my control. Now I do everything I can to resist fighting the wild call of mystery.

I falter often enough. I do my best to be vulnerable. It’s hard for me. I must breathe through my emotional torrents and my desire to shrink away. With focused intention I move the cocktail of fear and love slowly through my body, letting my body move like waves till somehow IF I’m patient enough, comfort and ecstasy take over. In my mind, I dance with death and tease myself into softening into its arms that I might have the courage, the capacity, the gift to truly live.

Because of love, I want to live. That’s the purpose of desire - to tease you into fulfilling your purpose. Desire is an expression of love. Desire is a clue to your puzzle of personal fulfilment. Scorn desire before examining its true nature and purpose, and you will scorn Love.

Hey, I get it. We’ve been trained. I’ve been trained! “No you can’t do that you’re a girl, but also, don’t be emotional, be strong & not weak, and while you’re at it, don’t be too corny, too sweet, too naive, make sure you act like a girl and not a boy, because you’re not a boy, you’re a girl and therefore it’s your job to make others feel good”. Did I say “be a girl but act like a boy”. Confusing, right!? WTF. No wonder kids these days are flicking the finger at gender identity. Even still I hear this shit around “don’t cry”, “toughen up”, “don’t be a pussy”… don’t get me started on that one! We get taught what’s acceptable about us and what’s not (how dare anyone?!). We get taught what’s appropriate to desire instead of taught how to get what we desire. We either learn how to take from others, stuffing down loving consideration, or we hide our desires from …ourself! This is NOT love. Not having what you want is NOT love. Hiding bits of yourself away and keeping it from others is NOT love.

Sharing ourselves openly with bravery and trust is love. Acknowledging each other's gifts and desires without judging or mocking is love. Curiosity about each others nature, a willingness to step inside each other with humility and gentleness, is love. Sharing ourselves fully is love.

Love has been mocked by those who don’t understand it because they’re afraid - because they’re managing, strategizing & battling it into logic and sense. Trust me I’ve been in the minds of some powerful people. It was love more than fear that had me overly protective of a child barely formed. A once innocent, wild, playful, maternal girl participating in her life as easily as dewdrops gather on leaves from a cool night on a warm summer morning, was suddenly frozen in the immensity of love she was feeling. It’s been love more than fear that has tested my resolve, my courage, my trust.

As I write this, I too am heeding this message. For I too am trying to listen to my own words, to still take chances, to trust, and leap and fall and fail and play as large as life. Let me soften any judgement you may be making of me with some honest peeks inside my vulnerable heart.

Sometimes in the dark of my mind, where past stories haunt me and past hurt whisper in the wind, I am the one calming my own soul. Breathing in the intensity and imagining I am the ocean - ebbing and flowing - I am Her infinite breath.  It’s said that magic is a mere fantasy - an illusion we hold onto in hopes of being rescued from the inevitable dissolution of our lives. I say magic’s real. It’s love in true form. Love creates phenomenon science has yet to explain. Love inspires actions and abilities psychology can barely touch with its theory and research. Most of us, though little do we know, are willing to die, to be killed or kill for the mere hope of love, or at the lost hope of real magic.

Some souls do expire because a human mind can’t hold a life devoid of real connection. Soft gazing eye contact is like heavenly syrup our spirits soak up - but without it, they dry up. Wait for it. More honesty coming your way. I found myself reflecting one day, staring at twinkle lights and candles burning, the smell of cookies baking in the oven thinking I too, I too would destroy myself if it meant I could feel what it was like to truly belong. To not feel separate. To not feel like my choices to nourish my wildness made me different from the norm. I noticed how many long years I defied the norm. I scolded and refused the norm in an idle attempt to protect my own sense of magic. To display my respect for the mystery. Yet, the norm is what I longed to belong to. What I longed to understand. The “normal ones” were who I longed to have understood me. How many of us really feel normal anyway? My guess is not many. Anyhow.

Love demands of us. It demands we see the truth, not projections. Admit our fragility not cover it. Love requires openness in the dark, to the dark. Love asks that we love the dark. Love asks that we love it all. In the world of love, it is our failures too that will lead us to our most powerful magic. But, remember, love is a verb. Your dreams, the love you hide away, the rawness you cover with social media pictures of you smiling on holiday - needs all of you if your true purpose is to blossom. It’s true that even in mid-winter a flower has pushed it’s way up through the snow. A mistake on the plants part? I say a miracle. Of course, I believe in magic. I believe in love.

Because of love my stalemate is melting. Because of love, I’m again shedding an old skin and again growing a new one. Because I’ve chosen to use my experiences, the amazing and the ugly, for the good of my spirit, I am still loving. Still believing. The verb of all verbs can has and will continue to shape my world for the better. I unapologetically will now fight for this: that there are no mistakes IF we do our best. All we have is our best and that is different at any given moment of our changing shifting living breathing lives.

So stop apologizing for being you. Stop apologizing for how remarkable, unique, gifted & fragile you are. Stop apologizing for the people you’re drawn to, for they are part of your path - you NEED each other. Do this and you’ll gain unfathomable resilience to forge ahead in love. Do this and your reward will be a peace so unwavering you’ll know where you come from. Love is the power. Love is the resistance we’ve been waiting for.

The Surrender Story

When Heaven & Earth Collide

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